Paper Tigers
"The most difficult thing is the decision to act. The rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life and the procedure. The process is its own reward." -- Amelia Earhart
One of the last conversations I had with my grandmother, with whom I was close, ended with a warning. She knew I was much like her, from coffee black to loving nature to cure what ails me. She cautioned me to follow my heart, to follow my dreams, and not give into my excuses. That is the one thing in life she regretted. She put too much of her life on hold so she could be more accommodating of those she so dearly loved. She unfortunately passed away after a battle with pancreatic cancer.
I've always had a weird love-hate relationship with flying. Any long hiatus from flying fed into my irrational fears. Then my daughter came along. I am not sure I have the ability to even describe the enormous amount of love and responsibility a child brings into your life.
The full weight of this responsibility hit me at the most inopportune time on a family trip out to Colorado for a friend's wedding. I did fine during the first half of our trip, but as we neared Colorado my irrational fears of flying, please keep in mind this is after I have received my commercial multi engine and instrument ratings so flying was not a new adventure, seemed to morph. (We were also flying into big time mountain country and high elevation airports--the seriousness of such an environment was sinking in.) The weather was sporty with thunderstorms to dodge. We had to parallel the storms heading almost into Wyoming and then around the northern most end of the storms and, finally, fly in between the storms and the mountains to get to our destination. As we flew closer to the storms, I began to feel physically ill. I suddenly could not deal with the responsibility of flying and flying my child. I relinquished the controls to my fully rated husband. While he flew, I tried to keep lunch down. We landed safely at our destination. I barely made it into our hotel room before I lost my lunch. My paper tigers were far from being just a fantasy.
It's interesting how grief and a baby can morph perceptions and magnify fears. My greatest fear is dying in an airplane crash and leaving my child motherless and my husband a widower. The worst would be if my ill-fated decision also took the life of my child. So why do I keep flying?
Because my greatest fear, fear of flying, is that which my soul yearns. Every time I want to give it up, a new door opens, I receive a thank you for encouraging someone to pursue his or her dreams, or someone asks when I am going to be done with my CFI rating so I can teach them to fly. How can I say this is not for me? When I look at candid pictures of me flying or in the middle of an aviation event, I've noticed that my face is lit up, I have a genuine smile, and it is very very obvious I am happy to be where I am or doing what I am doing.
I am working diligently to get rid of my paper tigers. I realize this will not happen overnight, but it will take patience and confidence in myself that I CAN DO THIS and that I do fly safely every time. I have an absolutely wonderful and supportive husband who has really carried me through my lows. Plus many family and friends who seem to find the right time to reach out when I need it most. So I am now on record to say, I have NO EXCUSES and My FEARS ARE merely PAPER tigers.
What is your paper tiger? Let's burn these paper tigers and go fly our adventures!
